Friday, November 12, 2010. I was waiting all morning for the call with my biopsy results. The day before, I anxiously met with a surgeon for a 2nd opinion on the large mass that had grown in my breast over the past 2 years. The first surgeon refused to do a biopsy because I had implants. He, with 30+ years experience as a surgeon, didn't feel "comfortable" doing a needle biopsy. He wanted to do surgery to see what it was. Red flag!! So, with the level-headed, forceable urging of my husband (I just wanted to get it done and find out), I sought a 2nd opinion. With images in hand from my mammogram and ultra-sound, I nervously hoped this 2nd surgeon would schedule me to biopsy the mass. To my relief, he performed the ultra-sound guided biopsy just 15 minutes after meeting me. The "unknown" was, soon, going to come to an end.
Of course, the 10 minutes I walked out of the room without my phone is when the nurse calls. My heart pounded as I listened to the voicemail, then it just dropped. The voicemail was short and sweet, "Kellie, this is the nurse at the breast care center. Please call me at ..." Why didn't she tell me it was negative on the voicemail? Why is she going to make me call her just to tell me it's negative? All the other doctors already told me that I am too young, with no history of breast cancer in my family, so I know it's already negative. Wait, no, it's not negative. That's why I have to call her. With forced confidence that I was still going to hear "It's benign," I called the nurse back. "Hi, Kellie. We have the results of your biopsy and there ARE cancer cells present in the mass. I know, it was a shock to me, too. I didn't expect it to be positive. It has been sent out for further testing to find out more, but the doctor needs to see you immediately. He needs you in his office Monday morning at 9:00 am." Whoa!
That "feeling" you hear everyone describe where they literally feel everything around them spiral down to the floor, head spinning as they process what was heard...I know that feeling now. 33 years old, home-schooling mother of a 5 year old and an 8 year old, business owner with my husband...THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!
That day will, forever, be engrained in my mind; that day when I went from a breast cancer supporter to a fighting warrior.
So,then, begins my journey. My great breasts...GONE! My envious, long, beautiful hair...GONE! My fit body...GONE! My pretty face with long, full lashes...GONE! My manicured nails...GONE!! My confidence...GONE!
In a matter of weeks, I went from seeing an attractive (not to be egotistical), early thirties woman in the mirror to seeing a frumoy, haggard, middle aged woman. I had lost everything that made me ME! That b.s. that you are still the same on the inside is a load of crock. You're NOT the same person on the inside cuz you respond to what you see on the outside.
Thank goodness for my husband, family, and friends, though! I was a wreck inside, but put on a front whenever in public. Often times, I would refuse help because that's what I always did...I was "Super-mom" and I wasn't going to let breast cancer, chemo or radiation change that! My real friends, though, saw right through that! They made sure I didn't have to fix dinner for my kids and husband on my really bad days, they helped out at our business during my treatments, they mailed me cards every week, they posted words of encouragement on my facebook page, and they took my kids out so they could just be kids and not have to worry about me. With the spread of the news that I had breast cancer, I ended up re-connecting with acquaintances from highschool...it was comforting to say the least. I think the most wonderful "side-effect" from enduring 9 months of treatment was the way my husband treated me. There was very little arguing, there was thoughtfulness, and there was caring. I'm not saying there wasn't the last 2 before, BUT, they weren't as abundant as when I was sick. I was never one to enjoy the spotlight, but the added concern and help...that was nice!
Then, the last day of my final treament arrives! The day I've been waiting for since I first found out I had cancer. Hooray!
NOT!!!
How quickly things are back to their old ways! I was pushed into taking on the responsibilities of the home and business while my husband pursued 3 months of schooling and training to become a VOLUNTEER law enforcement officer. Did I mention that I home-school our children during the day???? Now, I have to run our business, too??? That keeps me busy from 2pm to 8pm every weeknite. Then, I have to fix their dinner!! WTH!! It's only been 2 weeks since my last radiation and I'm expected to be "Super-mom/wife." I wanted to shout "News flash, this 'Super-mom/wife' just went through hell the past 9 months, is WAY out of shape, is 35lbs heavier, and EXTREMELY fatigued!! I can't do this yet!!!" But I couldn't and, because of my sulking and stubborn pride, I wouldn't. Why should I have to say something? I felt they should know I'm not strong enough to handle that kind of schedule! I shouldn't have to tell them! They should be thinking about me and how I might be feeling still!! How quickly my husband stopped thinking about me, putting my needs first! I was back at the bottom of the totem pole in my house.
It wasn't just my husband who thought everything from the past 9 months were left on the radiation table on my last visit, it was my "friends," too. The random "How are you?" stopped, the "We need to get a drink and talk." stopped, and the "Can you ...?" started. I felt that everyone just brushed the hell I went through under the rug like it wasn't there anymore. Truth was, it was VERY MUCH there! The emotional pain I thought I had before was nothing compared to what I was experiencing now that it was all done. Where was my support system? I still needed them, but they weren't there for me. This is when I went from the fighting warrior, to the forgotten survivor.
Kelly! First of all, I am so glad you reached out to me via pinterest (ohhh how technology helps these sort of things. ha!)! Second of all, I'm not a big believer in coincidences either, so with that I have this to say.... I'm a part of a breast cancer support group with women of different ages, in different stages of their treatment, in addition to, some survivors themselves. One of the topics that was brought up us about life AFTER recovery. It is so interesting, yet baffles me that so many survivors are "forgotten". No matter what type of treatment plan they went through, they all hold a common thread...their body's compromised at the sake of cancer. I just don't get it. Anyway, the discussion led to maybe setting up a team of survivors to meet with a board of doctors (oncologist and surgeons) to discuss these matters with them. To make them aware of these feelings of abandonment, on the other hand, making them aware of what a newly diagnosed patient should expect over the course of the months. I am very fortunate to be working with a team of doctors that have such resources, but obviously not all people have insurance that will allow them to seek other options. Anyhow, I will follow your blog and support you as a survivor. **HUGS** =)
ReplyDeleteAmazing how a search on Pinterest can lead you to someone on the opposite side of the country who's traveling the same journey! I don't believe in coincidences, either. I hope that team is set up and this issue is researched because it is so debilitating at times. It's all I can do to keep from literally running away some days! My treatment facility, MD Anderson, is WONDERFUL! They have every resource you may need, including psychologists, family therapists, and support groups. My issues are that it's too far away, I don't have time because of what is expected of me, and I don't like 'self-help' treatments. The "you need to think like this or feel like this or speak like this" therapy doesn't work for me, so I don't want to talk to a therapist. It's tough to even blog my thoughts. It took my 2nd follow up visit for my doctor to convince me to try it. Anywho, this is a critical issue that I can see trending in the near future as younger and younger women are diagnosed with advanced stages of breast cancer. It reminds me of postpartum depression. Thanks for your support. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for you. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDelete